I recently told a dear friend who lives far away, that everywhere he goes, a little part of me will always be with him. But a few days later I realized that it was really the other way around.

In my quotidian life, I find myself trailing off during menial tasks and important decisions alike, wondering… what would my friend say in this situation? What would he do? Would he approve of my decision? Would he still think I was cool?

Clearly thoughts stemming up from some subconscious insecurity, but why him? Why doesn’t my husband pop into my brain in these situations? Or my mother? And do I really actually wonder if he still thinks I am cool? It’s so absurd, I give you permission to ridicule me for this…

I recently traveled with my family to South Lake Tahoe, a place that has always had the power to relax and inspire me. I looked at the vibrantly colorful water and wished that my friend could see it (my 4-year-old daughter and I had a 10-minute conversation on whether it was blue or green, only to finally settle on turquoise and thus scoring a new word for her vocabulary – she pronounces it “curquoise”). I breathed in the clean air and drank the crisp mountain water, and wished that my friend could share them. I went to familiar locations, little meadows in the forest, secret beaches, the casino arcade, and imagined he was visiting and I was showing them to him for the first time.

And then I understood that what I have with him is a friendship of the mind and spirit, an intellectual connection that I don’t have in my everyday life, hence a desire for him to be part of what I go through. My husband – he is here to share and appreciate everything I go though every day; I already have and love that. My mother – she did that for me until I was 17.

My friend is very far away, Skype can be rather perfidious, and the likelihood of seeing him again in person is, let’s be honest, small. Besides, his presence in my thoughts is my own experience, independent of whether I ever show up in his. I have no control over the impressions that accompany his daily life, and to impose my presence among them is… presumptuous. And so…

…when I told him a little part of me will always be with him, what I really should have said was that wherever I go, a little part of him will always be with me…